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Military Blogger Contest Entry: Just Another Expendable Life

“The great uncertainty of all data in war is a peculiar difficulty, because all action must, to a certain extent, be planned in a mere twilight, which in addition not infrequently ÔÇö like the effect of a fog or moonshine ÔÇö gives to things exaggerated dimensions and unnatural appearance.” – Carl von Clausewitz (Prussian military analyst)

My life upon returning from a “war zone” has changed dramatically, while over there I knew what I had to do that day that week and what I needed to do to get myself home. Taking everything one day at a time, with the simple thought that this will all be over in X amount of months. This ideology is what kept me driving on it sounds so bad to
say, but in the middle of all the killing, all the hardship I, an expendable soldier, had a purpose, as a young man at 21 years old I felt I was completed. I didn’t require much sleep at all, I didn’t need much food, entertainment and luxuries were a thing of the past. was alone, I had the feeling that I didn’t need anyone, it was a illusion I want
it back.

I am still in this so called Fog of War mindset even though, I have stumbled into a completely new kind of fog. Now that I am “home” and “safe” again, I feel as if I walk around these days with a huge sense of miss-direction. Like I am lost, in a new city, I have no purpose, I feel as if my life and everything inside me has gone missing, I wonder to myself late at night laying on my bed alone in a cold dimly light room, were is the rest of me, were am I? Have you ever left your house without your wallet and threw out the day you have this void like you forgot something or have miss placed it , welcome to my world, I am a callus empty shell walking around looking for what I
have obviously left back in the war zone.
Look at the homeless veterans in this town of Killeen or any town as a matter of fact watch them, don’t they seem empty? Do they sometimes seem lost? As a Broken veteran I can relate to these men I can feel the emptiness, I can see them through our shared “fog” they stand out almost like they are glowing they had a purpose as I did and they have also left it in there warzone. Look at these returning soldiers fresh back from far off places on the other side of the world. Look at where they go bars and clubs and drink alcohol to try make their way through the endless fog we are all in. Spending all their money on cheep booze to make them forget what they are missing in their life, what
the military has taken from them, what they have left in far off and distance places they called home, where all of them had a purpose, where all of them had a goal, were they heads were clear and not wrapped in this fog that we are all lost in today.

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